today is father’s day, or was father’s day… since father’s day seems to happen only between 9am to 3pm… maybe even 6pm if the family really likes him.
today, also, happens to be the first father’s day I’ve ever experienced. Yes, I’m 18, and yes, I have a father, who lives with us under his roof… but yes, I am correct in saying that this is the first father’s day (I remember) experiencing.
My dad has always been working on father’s day, and my family has always been in separate parts of the country for most of my life. But this weekend, by (in all seriousness) some miracle, not only was my dad off for father’s dad (and my graduation… spooky I know!)… but all three of his girls were home (and on good terms with each-other, which in itself is another miracle). Today, I wonder how good I have it. No… I haven’t had the most involved father, nor the most positive experiance… but I have a father who is a good man, a broken man, but a good one. Who spends his days in the dreariest of dreary places aka the hospital, saving peoples lives. He has a mind that, honestly, would put Einstein to shame. I mean, ask him… anything, literally anything… and he’ll most likely have an answer.. and if he doesn’t… he will find out, and then remember it forever.
Today Todd in sunday school asked us what we think of when we think of a good dad… and the first thing that came to mind, the one and only thing that stirred from my heart was “brilliant”. The others came up with “always be there for you”, “be involved”, & “strong”. But I’m realizing the gracefulness in my answer: Brilliant. In the past, even in the most recent past, I’ve harbored anger against my father for not living up to those three things the others came up with. I’ve watched with jealous and self-pity at the interaction of other daughters and their dads. And to be honest, those feelings still come up sometimes… it is a constant struggle for me to realize that no, I don’t have a perfect dad, because none of them are perfect. All dads are men, all men are broken. It is quite simple. But the grace in the answer ‘Brilliant’ surprised me. My papa, above all things, is completely and totally brilliant. Not just smart, or witty, or interesting. But brilliant. Strong-willed (aka a stubborn pole)… and thick-hearted… and brilliant. Resilient. Patient (well, most of the time… unless he’s on-call… but he’s more like Mr. Hyde then… no joke… haha).
Perhaps it was my first father’s day that made me realize what this society has done to fathers. It has made them villains or victims… neither of which I think true fathers are. I’ve learned so much from my papa, and I continue to be taught each day. And today in church… I felt such a thankfulness pouring over my heart that I have the father I have. Strong and Brilliant and Resilient and Broken. All in the same person. Imperfect, yet completely loved by my Abba in heaven. This year has been a major year for me in the senses of forgiveness and fatherhood, not just with my earthly father, but a growing awareness of my need to not harbor anger and angst against my heavenly one too.
It’s been a rough few years, and sometimes I just have to wonder how God has all these tricks up His sleeve. Where I’ve been, where I’m going, where I am right now. All these things planned, to stretch me to be the person God has called me to be. All the things I’ve walked through, am walking through, and will walk through, in order to allow me to reach those around me.
“It is a wonderful, frightening, completely unpredictable ride, ladies and gents, so hold on to your hats, and let go of your heart.”
